The Power of Hair

"Fellow compatriots, from the hallowed circles of the underground, we have gathered to give birth to a new iconoclasm. Our goal is single-minded: we will seek to put to the sword those who are misled to disregard the fundamental principles of Hair Power. But, before we set about our quest, we must understand the dynamic implication of those sprouting bulbs of fibrous protein that wave, one hundred thousand strong(or less, in some case) upon our heads. Contrary to popular thought, they are not there to make us appear attractive, but are indications both of the moral state and scientific exploration of our society.

History is littered with differing social conformities. In the earlier days, freedom was the new ‘IN’ - and so of course hair paid a telling contribution to this new looks for freedom. If you remember your father or maybe your forefathers, with their long manes and thick sideburns, this kind of rebellion is still celebrated.

We know that the mushroom craze descended upon our youth a few years ago. A massive chunk of hair was ceremoniously removed from the sides and backs of their scalps, to leave a thriving growth of swirling tresses on their crowns. We may also notice a steady pattern of hair groomers at school level. On the one hand, we have our stock and muscular individuals, who have opted for the crew-cut style: short back and sides. Tough and Ready. On the other side of affairs, we have those believed to be a bit more metro sexual (unmanly) and have carefully cultivated their protein extensions to abnormal lengths.

But even though luscious, silky smooth hair abounds in the prime of youth, the time comes in males when they become victims to testosterone. This fiery hormone combines with chemicals, causing admired curls to thin out and result in baldness. The key role of male hormones has been grasped through history. Eunuchs, it was noted by Aristotle and Hippocrates did not lose their hair. In fact, castration is still recommended by the leaders of our auspicious movement as the most effective, if rather unappealing, method of preventing baldness.

Consequently, over the centuries, men desiring to retain both their gonads and their hair, have tried every imaginable treatment. They have shampooed their scalps with tar, petroleum, goose droppings and cow urine. But they eventually understood the principles of science, as we do now, and realized their efforts were futile. Tar, after all, causes the existing hair to decay into a lump of hard, black rock, while urine, being acidic in nature, causes the protruding hair to shrivel up with its pungent smell. So our scientists advanced and stuck their heads into rubber caps connected to massive vacuum pumps to suck recalcitrant hairs to the surface. The
problem with this rather adventurous method was that it resulted in those hairs locked deep under the scalp being removed completely.
The final prognosis, as one chap glumly concluded, is that "some are born bald, some achieve baldness, while others have baldness thrust upon them". So great leaders - Mahatma Gandhi, Julius Caesar, Nelson Mandela - had to resign their hairlessness to fate. This doesn't necessarily mean that those without hair are those with a sense of patriotism. However, moving on.

The power of hair cannot be underestimated. It has en wrapped its meandering locks through religion, politics, schools and families. That is why this article has been procured selflessly, with a thought to unite and form a dominant force. The time has arisen and now all those who follow Hair Power must take the initiative and promote the truth to those with misconception.

Viva, Hair Power, Viva!