I'm the one you want to be

Calm but unbroken,
Tame but unbridled
Fettered but free
So you smirk my way
tell me I'm headstrong
and I laugh in your face.
I know the rough parts of me,
the worldly needs in me,
I know how to cross my ankles when I sit.
I know the pains of love
and the scars of hate.
I know ridicule and jest and maliciousness.
I know my limits
I know how to break them.
I know what turns me on, what
keeps me going- I know the ending to my own story-
know the price I pay for this knowledge,
feel the shackles of responsibility...
But I know how to rattle my chains
and still get what I want.
You'll never break me.
You'll never bridle me.
And I'll always be free.
So go on and smirk and think you
know me better-
I know me, the soft and the hard,
the gentle and the strong,
the delicate and steely.
I know me.

I'm the one you want to be.

Dedicated to a patriot...

The recent bombing activities in Mumbai have left the Indian public feeling nostalgic. A general notion had crept that public places, in recent times, had become unsafe. Shattering this, the terrorists have reinforced that a luxurious place doesn't necessarily mean a safe place. It is of immense embarrassment hat security standards at such elite places are so dismal. Most of us have seen one or the other hi-tech movies using latest technology and were in awe of the latest gadgets used by lawmakers and lawbreakers alike. These viewers will be left in a state of shock if they have a look at the video footage of the so called 'luxury abodes'. The quality of these archives is indiscernible and is worse than a cheap camcorder available in your local market. Surely the annual turnover of such MNC's can accommodate such meager amounts. The phrase 'you learn from your own mistakes' is meant for a human being, not for large scale organizations responsible for other people's lives.

Mumbai, the financial capital of India, is a city in tandem. Every year, nature wreaks havoc on the city in the form of torrential rains. Not so long ago, the city was mostly ruled by little goons aka 'bhai'. Add to this, the general unkempt nature of the city, the relentless pollution and the obvious problem of population, the city never provided a welcoming gesture to the tourists. Yet they came, because India, despite its shortcomings, has the second largest GDP growth rate in the world, as well as being a land of immense beauty and culture. These recent bombing activities have not only served as a warning to the Indian public, but also to the foreign visitors coming for business or pleasure. Think about it, the most luxurious hotels, and the railway station: why were these places chosen for the bombing. It may be to serve as a symbolic gesture for all visiting dignitaries and business man. Mumbai, the city of dreams, has always been considered by the poor as a haven for seeking fortune, which has indeed been a stepping stone to it's success. They are trying a to induce terror in the minds of common men and are achieving success in that too, what with the media amplifying the situation many times by showing the news over and over again. It is indeed a crippling way of looking at the incident, but nevertheless, something that we must be aware of.

Yet, in spite of all the humdrum and the hype created by the media, the public will soon find a way to survive and get on with their life. For that is what we have always done and that is what we’ll always do... Move On.

Personal Observations

So it goes. I'm trying very hard not to let the shadows over take me. Even if the shadows are in my own mind. They say you're not going insane if you can question your own sanity. I'm not so sure. But I'm trying. Trying very hard. If I'm truly unable to face up to my own past, will I finally be consumed by it? Can I stand up to my own shadows, or will I have to admit defeat and go on the 'happy' drugs of life?

And so it goes. And I'm still trying very hard not to let the shadows overtake me.

Its time for me to stop and take a breath- to look around and see what I can see. Not that I'm going too fast, But I'm too deep, too mired down in the mundane, slowly drowning without even knowing it. I have to take a step back and look at the whole of it- at least that which I can See.

Perhaps I'm so deeply embedded in the little things that I've really become detached from Spirit and so yearn for adventure, for change I know I don't need. I wish I could meld the two, so I could function smoothly between, instead of having to flip back and forth, using energy and resources that are limited to begin with. This is my goal, to achieve fluidity; as I grow and learn I believe it can happen.

Through it all there is this lethargy, a weariness that grows every day, an increasing desire for true silence. I fight myself even as I am resigning myself to the care of Spirit, and it is exhausting me.

I've begun to wonder how much further I can go alone. I wonder if I even want to.

There's something about a getting up at 5 in the morning that's just bliss. Absolutely wonderful. It's just me and my habit of procrastination that always gets in the way. But even then, Once is good enough.

Nobody's been in anyone else's shoes. We all have our own private pains. Its how we deal with them, integrate them into our shared lives that defines who we are individually. I have this frustrating feeling like everything I write has been written before, like the same perception has been explained by someone else, and so I'm just copying.

There is nothing new under the sun and Gods, only the rendition of how finely I feel it, how precisely, how keenly.

How many variations on the same can there truly be?

Untitled

What's it like to write, to really write? To start with a single word on a blank, virginal page and add to it? To watch this child, grow and mature, page after page, until at last you look before you and you've borne a work, purely from the bits and pieces in your head. What's it like to look upon this body of work and know that you created it, breathed life into it? And how do you then offer it up for the world to tear apart or elevate to godhood as it chooses?

Once I know the answers to these questions- do I dare to create? Or leave those creations inside of myself where they'll be protected and nurtured and never subject to the persecution and torment and lamentation of existence?

Do I even have time to worry about any of this?

Straw Dogs

"Heaven and Earth are ruthless, and treat the myriad of creatures as
straw dogs: the sage is ruthless, and treat the myriad of creatures as
straw dogs...Is not the space between Heaven and Earth like a bellows?"

Fish in a larger Pond

Here's a business analogy I ran across recently. You are a fisherman in a small pond with lots of other fishermen. Everyone is making their bait the best looking, the best tasting, and most appealing to the fish. Some guy is selling "how to's" to make your bait the best. Over in the distance, you see a large pond with very few fishermen. Why is no one over there? The water looks just a good and so are the fish. Why not pick up your pole and fish in a larger, less fished pond instead of trying to change your bait a little in a saturated pond? The best part is, you don't even have to be a good fisherman in the other pond if you're the only fisherman over there.

Moral: Fish in a less saturated market and you don't have to be that good to really bring home the big fish.

Sometimes the answer to catching bigger fish isn't changing your bait or getting a bigger net. In an oversaturated market, you can spend loads of money on marketing and endless hours of frustration only to get a trickle of business, or you can pick up your pole, find your own unsaturated niche or marketing strategy, be the first in that market, and really clean house.

No real Context

(This was something that popped into my head one night at work. No real context, just.. this. )

It was filled with a wonderous sound that flowed over me and through me until I thought surely I would be swept away by it. It was as though I was going to die and find before me the Elysium Fields. I stood there transfixed, seeing colors bloom behind my closed eyes in time with the music and I knew I would have this played at my passing over. The music faded finally, and slowly I opened my eyes, letting the real world take shape around me once more. I drew in a long, heart felt sigh of peacefulness before setting off.

You are Me

You're hot,

when I'm cool.

You're bold,

when I'm subtle.

You're brash,

when I'm tactful.

You're rough,

when I'm smooth.

You're uncouth,

when I'm suave.

You are everything I'm not

when I need you to be.

You are all that I am

when I'm not myself.

You are the sun and the moon and the stars

when I am Darkness and Nothing and Void.

You are my worst nemesis,

you are my dearest lover,

my harshest critic,

my tragic seer.

You are me, when I look in

the mirror,

and see my reflection...

from your eyes.

The Pursuit of Happyness

Oh yeah, I have seen that movie! I nearly cried at the end. ~ your thoughts exactly.

I am sorry for being a plagiarist for the title... I couldn't come up with a better name for my latest musings.

Ever since I was a little kid, so I saw in the numerous photo albums of my childhood, I have had the urgency to smile and laugh, like all the time. Even as a one year old, my broad smile and the set of baby white teeth is evident in all of them. The only thing I remember from my childhood was going to see my little sister lying in the incubator, crying the moment she laid her eyes on me.

My very first happy memory.

To make others laugh is the best service one can do in a lifetime. I am an agnostic by faith and an engineer by profession, so best I put it this way: "Every action has an equal and opposite reaction" ~ if you get the gist.

There were times in my schooldays when I used to feel low: I would whip out the keys of my motorcycle and go on a little ride; just to gather my thoughts. As the wind swept my head clear of all anxieties, I felt happy. This is the closest, I thought, that I would ever get to be a Superman.

Though I wouldn't say that music always makes me feel happy, it does elucidate: I can very well snuggle up in the depths of my music, while it is busy carving it's everlasting effects on my brain. In this lifetime, I am sure; I won't be able to live without it.

Spending time with a dear friend of mine, who is now working his life off himself. We sometimes used to be off our rocker, getting to the point that we both skipped a final exam of our graduation, just because we didn't feel like sitting and studying. Even though those days will never come back, brother, the memories will always live on.

And then I found love. Or rather, it found me. This was a new feeling for me, being provided by my better-half. For the first time in my life, I felt happy without asking myself the question - 'whatsinit4me?' I was not making others happy, someone else was doing that to me. I felt elated, overjoyed, on-top-of-the-world and all other adjectives you can think about. To this day, I am in doubt, whether I was ever able to reciprocate the same.

Even though you may say I have many happy memories to live by, if someone asks me to conjure up a Patronus, I would fail miserably at it.

I will eventually find myself in the form of a little girl. I would see my smile and her eyes in a third being, purest of both.

In her, I will find peace and contentment. In her, my Pursuit of Happyness will have a new beginning.